Beware the Arrival Fallacy… it might just kill your relationship!
Several parts of me are contradictory. I guess it is part of the human condition. On the one hand, I have extended periods of time where I can take time to smell the roses, feel connected, present and calm, despite stressors. I just turn up to things and even when they are difficult I can accept the sufferings and enjoy the sweet spots. On the other hand, I can be a worrier. When this occurs, the shine fades, I am less present and the “Arrival Fallacy” comes knocking.
The term, coined by the well known psychologist and best selling author Dr Tal Ben-Shahar, is the assumption that when you reach a goal or get over a hurdle in the future, your life will be better with lasting happiness. The arrival fallacy tends to make you less present and increase rumination. It is a felt sense of holding your breath until the finish line or accepting prolonged stress because “it will all be great when…” While in this mind state, many value based attachments can go by the wayside including your relationship. You are more likely to put life on hold and increase self-soothing strategies to detach and cope.
Many relationships fall victim to the arrival fallacy at some point. In the worst extremes, time passes and problems compound until the relationship is destroyed. The arrival fallacy in relationships is very common. For example, you might find yourself saying…
- It’s just a stressful period, we will have time to focus on our relationship later
- I am sure my partner will change once we are married
- Our life will be better when the mortgage is down
- We’re just busy right now and it won’t always be this way
- Things will be okay once we can afford the vacation
- I’m sure the relationship will be back on track when I get a new job
- Things will be better once the kids are older.
If any of these statements resonate, then unfortunately you too have fallen victim to the arrival fallacy.
Believing in the arrival fallacy gives you permission to procrastinate on improving your current life and relationship. Yet you can only change your relationship in the present. All positive feelings and connections associated with milestones are temporary. Celebrate and savour these moments but do not rely on them as the fix for your relationship. Holding on for these moments is dangerous because your relationship might not last the distance or the arrival does not end up being the fix you were hoping for. This is easy to prove. Ask yourself this question: When I’ve achieved important goals or gotten over those hurdles in the past, how long has the happiness lasted for? Moments, hours, days? If you’re lucky, a couple of weeks. In our practice and in our personal lives we have seen neglected relationships fall apart around important milestones. I am sure you have too. Here are some examples we see time and time again:
- A couple miserable in their relationship clinging to the upcoming holiday as the miracle circuit breaker. They have a better time away and feel somewhat connected. They return home and before a week is out they feel miserable again.
- The couple that has renovated or built their home only to separate soon after completion.
- The couple who separates soon after children are born.
- The couple separated not long after their marriage.
The best judge of your relationship health and the biggest predictor of where it will be in the future is where your relationship is right now! It’s not where it has been or where you think it might be in the future. For a snapshot assessment, reflect on how your relationship has been trending over the past month. This is a good predictor of where your relationship is heading. In our couples app My Love Your Love we have a relationship health graph which tracks your satisfaction over time. While we are delighted to say the graph trends positively when people use the app this is not the point. The point of the graph is to keep the relationship authentic and honest. It allows users to reflect on how they feel about the relationship. Both partners can then address issues as they arise and invest in their relationship to get it trending back in the right direction.
While relationships fluctuate and evolve over time you can only experience relationship contentment and joy in the present moment. The best times you’ve had in your life have also been the times where you have been present in the moment. Living a more mindfulness-based existence cultivates contentment and joy. This is true in relationships also. When you pay attention and prioritise the small moments, you encourage a more mindful existence with your partner.
Mindfulness-based living in relationships is when individuals strive to bring their complete attention and presence to the interactions with their partner. This is where connections, care, love and joy exist. So next time you find yourself stuck in worry or holding out for a milestone remember that you can feel better sooner. Commit to letting go of the arrival fallacy and refocus on your life and relationship to bring positive change in the present day.
